Today I read an article about hating pregnancy and not apologizing for it. While I can understand and agree with a lot of the sentiments it also left me feeling sad after I read it. As pregnancies go, I have the short end of the stick. I've tried explaining Hyperemesis to people who have never experienced it (and trust me, most of you have not) and it's incomprehensible. People make sympathetic noises and say they're sorry but that's truly all they can do. For me, pregnancy sucks. And if I let myself, it's easy to get sucked into the misery of it all.
Baby Nemo (named by Everly) has been easier and harder in ways that are difficult to explain. It's harder because not only am I constantly sick, void of energy, and unable to do simple things for myself, but I'm also the sleep deprived mother of a toddler. It is so hard. And yet... that sweet, amazing, rebellious, wild little toddler makes this pregnancy so much easier. All I have to do is look at her and I'm overwhelmed with the love in my heart. Last time I knew logically that it would be worth it. This time I can feel in the depths of my soul that she was absolutely worth it. And this baby is too. I would go through this a thousand times if it meant my sweet Everly was always a part of my life. How could I not feel the same about her brother or sister?
I love that physically my body is able to grow my baby. I love that. I adore every tiny movement I feel inside my belly. I look forward so much to the day Everly and Aaron can feel the wiggles from the outside. It's not far off, I know. I love that I can do this. I do not love the side effects of pregnancy. And that's the only way to describe what I'm feeling. The most important part, I love. The rest has an end in site. 5ish more months and my body will feel well again.
One of the most difficult things for me to deal with is the immense guilt I feel over losing so much weight. I cannot help it. If you didn't keep down a single thing for over 3 months trust me, you'd lose plenty of weight too. In 5 months I won't have to hear comments about how good I look losing weight. I won't have to hear comments about how unhealthy it is to lose so much weight when I'm pregnant. I'm sure I'll still get comments on my weight because for some reason people think it's their business, but I won't be consumed with guilt every time someone mentions it.
I'm trying every day to enjoy this painful, difficult process. This is our last baby that my body will grow. Aaron and I are both at peace with that knowledge and we're thrilled to be creating the last piece of our little family. We are happy with our decision. So while I'm going through this experience I'm both grateful that I'll never do this again, and also a little bit sad. Not for the icky, the sick, the awful, but for the sweet moments. When I cry that I can't do this and my baby responds with a little wiggle. When I wake up in the morning to Everly kissing me and my belly and saying "Love you baby Nemo!" When it hits me how truly amazing this miracle of life is. Those are the things I'm trying to capture in my memory forever.
And just for fun, here's a little comparison. My 16 week (roughly) baby bump now and then. Everly announced herself much better. Baby Nemo is staying nice and hidden.